1
The Mighty Ducks opens with young Gordon Bombay clanging a puck off the goal post to miss a penalty shot. Gordon drops to his knees, crestfallen, as the Horror Film Goalie thrusts his arms in the air and skates off the ice like he won his team the ‘ship. Coach Reilly drops his head, shaking it in disgust.
Coach Reilly carries himself like the best coach in peewee hockey history and is the most ruthless competitor the world has ever known. The man sent his Hawks players onto the ice with explicit orders to injure opposing children. Reilly is Richard Nixon if Nixon sent 10-year olds to Vietnam. He’s the prototype for Sean Payton’s Bountygate, but if the bounties were for concussing female youth figure skaters.
The trouble is, Gordon’s miss only sends the game to overtime. The game is not over. Gordon did not loose it. Coach Reilly should be rallying his team to victory in the extra frame, not giving up. Surely the Hawks, the deepest peewee hockey team ever assembled, has a chance in overtime.
So, was Coach Reilly a bad coach?
2
After Gordon Bombay, the lawyer, deploys his legal background to undermine the Hawks, Coach Reilly and Adam Banks’ father petition Mr. Ducksworth together. Coach Reilly advocates for bending the rules to keep Banks on the Hawks.
Why does Reilly attend a meeting in a law office with the head of the firm while wearing shlubbiest taupe jacket ever? At least fire up the Hawks jacket, since it is your only other jacket (maybe don’t pop the collar though, since it’s a meeting with the head of a law firm).
3
In Adam Banks’ first game with the Ducks, after being forced to join via Gordon’s legal maneuverings, Banks eeks out one goal. One goal! Against the freaking Panthers, the other worst team in the division. The Hawks feature at least 4 players over 6’5”. Coach Reilly claims Banks is the best Hawk. Banks should have been able to steal the puck from whomever and score.
If Coach Reilly was also trash at evaluating talent, were collar popping, gum chewing, and competitive drive his only elite coaching skills?
4
They call it peewee hockey, which should be 11-12 year olds. Gordon is 10 in the first scene, the Ducks seem to be in high school, and the Hawks players are in college.
Should Gordon target the age group violations instead of the district boundary lines?
5
With an average of 2.7 plaid patterns per outfit, was Charlie Conway the proto-hipster?
6
Was Goldberg really Jewish?
7
Is it true that Gordon watched Hans sharpen skates for hours as a kid? That sounds boring AF.
8
Hans and Gordon appear not to have spoken for the 25+ years between Gordon “losing the game” and Gordon’s visit to pick up a fresh pair of skates.
Given that Gordon’s dad died the same year as the missed the penalty, is Hans the all-time worst fill-in father?
9
Gordon Bombay has no visible mom, Adam Banks has no visible mom, the Hall brothers have no visible mom.
Was Charlie’s mom the only mother in Minnesota in 1992?
10
Before a face-off, a trio of Ducks line up: the black Hall brothers sandwiching a white Duck player. In the heat of the moment, a Hawk player drops a slur on the Ducks, who almost fight the Hawk. The sage Gordon Bombay puts the joke in his back pocket and recycles the line during the championship game, calling the “Oreo line” together to get in the game and run a play.
Why?
11
Where did Jessie and Terry Hall shop for African textiles in 1992 Minnesota?
12
The Ducks are the 8th seed and the Hawks are the 1st seed, but the two teams don’t meet until the championship.
Who creates the brackets for Minnesota peewee hockey?
13
Let’s Play Hockey claims to be “America’s No. 1 Hockey Publication.” It also, apparently, costs $1.00.
How does “Ducks Tie Cardinals, 2-2” make the front page? No wonder newspapers are extinct.
14
Does Banks score more or less than 29 goals in three playoff games? Feels like more. Maybe Coach Reilly can evaluate talent after all.
15
Why does a Minnesota Mighty Ducks fan wear a San Francisco 49ers crewneck sweater to the championship game?
16
Considering how hard Hans rides for the Ducks, is it safe to assume that instead of buying hockey equipment from Hans, Coach Reilly and the Hawks shop at Sports Authority?
17
In the championship game against the Hawks, Charley Conway earns a penalty at the end of regulation. The referee informs Gordon that any player on the ice can take it. Gordon asks the team who should take the penalty.
Banks can’t take the penalty because he left on a stretcher after Coach Reilly ordered two Hawks to “take him out.”
The hulking God of slapshots, Fulton Reid, can’t take the penalty because he was ejected after throwing a Hawk over the boards for checking Tammy as she practiced a figure skating spin.
Jesse Hall, who scores and facilitates like Steve Nash, is available.
Charlie Conway, the emotional heart of the team, is available.
The Ducks’ emphatic suggestion is… Guy Germaine?!?
Outside of securing a girlfriend, Guy has NEVER scored on screen (though one goal is cited in the above edition of Let’s Play Hockey). Thankfully, Gordon flexes in favor of letting “Charlie finish what he started.” Charlie then finishes where Gordon couldn’t.
Gordon Bombay is clearly the GOAT of Peewee hockey coaches, because: first, he won a championship with a team of mediocre misfits, and second, those misfits were clearly high.
