Rupturing Achilles tendons is trending and you can’t afford to miss the exposure. As with everything you do though, you need to be a little extra. Your rupture has to be Pharrell’s Vivienne Westwood hat (in camel), but for Achilles ruptures. So, how can you swag your rupture TF out?
Venice Beach is about as glamorous as it gets when considering a backdrop. Abbot Kinney is every neo-cowboy’s wet dream, and rupturing nearby represents a major flex. Aligning your injury with Indigenous Peoples’ Day will lend understated flair by emphasizing your solidarity with historically marginalized populations. And, nobody will forget your injury anniversary.
If you want your rupture to stand out, first, you have to accessorize the injury itself to ensure that your wallet chain twinkles brightest:
1. Abandon your practice of leaving it all on the mat with fierce vinyasa flows.
2. Play squash with a work bro the day before the injury. Do not stretch.
3. Neglect rituals (i.e. forget street sweeping and get a ticket on the Sprinter Van you live in by choice; head to the Venice Beach courts to blow off some steam)
4. Win three pickup games; offer to sit one out (to honor the Arawak).
5. When the fourth game lasts longer than the Los Angeles Unified School District Strike, flow through a few sun salutations (to stay warm and to express how blasé the game is).
6. Get bored of your improv flow and chill out on the cool, green cement wishing either team would hurry up and win.
7. By the time one team concludes the travesty, your tendons will be chilled.
8. As the other players look thoroughly washed, offer to play a final game to 21 (You could keep playing. You aren’t tired. You’re just being agreeable.).
9. Hit a three-pointer to open the game.
10. Check the ball; pass the rock to a (clearly inferior) teammate who shoots and misses (duh).
11. When the ball careens off the rim towards the sideline, pivot, plant, and push off to chase the rebound.
12. Experience a flash.
13. Drop to the ground for a quick savasana.
14. Roll onto your side and looked behind you for the friggin’ hater who kicked your foot out from under you.
15. Squint and look for snipers on nearby rooftops (even though they would have been using a scope, and camouflage, so you probably couldn’t see them with your bare eyes).
16. Realize there is no one behind you that could have taken you out.
17. Scream the “F” word.
18. Scream the “F” word again.
19. Get carried off the court like Rudy (your record for the day is 4 wins and 0 loses, since the other team obvs forfeited when they recognized what a badass you are).
Congratulations, you ruptured your Achilles (just like Kobe Bryant and Kevin Durant; translation, you are a BAWS). The other players will walk back to the court to practice so they can try and get on your level. Let ‘em try, you’ll be in Papo’s Vinyasa 2-3 flowing it out in no time, and he’ll have you court-ready by next Black History Month.
Accessorizing the physical act will get you only so far though. Kevin Durant ruptured his Achilles in the NBA Finals! If you are gonna take the throne, you need a blingin’ back-story, so deploy this list when it comes time to wax philosophical over the cosmic reason behind rupturing your Achilles:
1. You tempted Karma by failing to honor the American labor movement with a day of rest.
2. You also told your boo-squeeze that you would work with her at a Caribbean-themed Westside café (you cancelled on her to play basketball).
3. Bae did voodoo to teach you a lesson.
4. In a parallel universe, you are buying Honey-Girl her favorite Jamaican pour-over served in the to-go mug she always bring to cafés to show she cares about saving the environment (one paper-cup and plastic lid at a time).
5. You shoulda been sippin’ a matcha and recordin’ a #vanlife vlog with your pinky raised while your French bulldog tugged at his leash.
6. You wore your LeBron James basketball shoes. LeBron ruined the Lakers, one of the most storied NBA franchises, so ruining your season was small potatoes.
7. The LeBron shoes were your old, broken-down, lacking-in-support pair and you wore them instead of new basketball shoes because it was an outdoor court and you don’t care if they get roughed up.
8. Metaphorically, you wore the Lebron’s because LeBron always imagines he lacks support and is carrying his team. Metaphorically, you also wore them because LeBron has a bad attitude and needs to be disciplined. Literally, you got disciplined.
