First quarter
From the jump, the home team brought good energy.
Folks were kitted out in the finest finery: a high schooler emerged from Bart in a black Steph Curry All Star jersey that was young, as well as thin, gold-rimmed shades, bermuda shorts, a backwards cream colored Warriors ‘22-‘23 champions snapback all while cradling the hastily disgorged cardboard remnants of a Smirnoff Ice Party Pack (for the boys) in one arm and drinking a pink lemonade Smirnoff with the other hand. Each of the boys trailed behind; one with green apple, one with orange screwdriver, and one with original flavor like they were the Smirnoff Squeeze It crew, come to life to bring energy to the people of Powell Street Station.
You don’t just drink a Smirnoff Ice, you SQUEEEZE it!
Sunshine radiated on the throngs lining Market Street. Spontaneous chants of “Warrriorrrrs” issued from the crowd and rebounded down the street. The first call always bellowed with a self-righteous bravado. To fans unfamiliar with the haunting taunt from the movie The Warriors, both the call and the response carry a different sort of un-self-conscious self-righteousness.
Second quarter
I searched for a place to post up on Market Street, amidst the one Andris Biedrins jersey, and the one (green) Michigan State Draymond Green jersey. Meanwhile, San Francisco’s unseasonable heat began sowing seeds of doubt (did Mark Twain really say the coldest winter of his life was summer in San Francisco? He obvs died before climate change).
Heat initiated a feedback loop with fandom inadequacy flashbacks from my first Warriors championship parade in Oakland (in 2015) and I began passionately perspiring. I settled on a spot under a tree, hoping to stop sweating. Uncomfortable, I shifted weight from one foot to the other to distract from the lower back pain caused by a morning workout. Seeking mental distraction from my layers of discomfort, I crept on the phones of nearby strangers.
In front of me, someone sported a yellow and white tie-dye shirt from a cookie shop in St. Louis (Warriors colors!) and yeezy crocs ($220!). Cookiefan05 texted a ‘friend’ a link for a Warriors hoodie.
The friend replied: “Dude, R U serious? Don’t become one of those Warrior bandwagon fans.”
Cookiefan05 rage-quit all the apps on his phone without replying.
2015 parade anxiety took physical form and clawed at my Shaun Livingston jersey. Pained, I looked over my shoulder to face my inner demons. Instead, I found two shorter men and a boy scratching their way past taller fans to better view the parade.
Once in front of me, and apparently content with their new spot, one handsy shorter man got his phone out to watch Instagram clips.
In one IG Story, the camera spun 360 degrees to highlight the revelry at the Warriors parade. Superimposed on the video was the text: “Look at all these bandwagons.” Content at establishing separation from the rabble, the account holder posted the story for followers (like my short assailant) to enjoy.
Halftime
The 2022 Championship Parade Halftime Show recaps a (theoretical) 2-on-2 Tournament of the Parade Bus Pairings. Apart from distributing star power, the pairing of players on parade buses is a mystery.
Pairing provenance aside, the obvious question becomes: If bus pairs played half court games to 11 (by 1s and 2s, winners, clear the ball past the three-point line at every change of possession), which pair would win?:
Round One, Quarterfinal: Game 1
Steph Curry, Damion Lee (1-seed) vs Chris Chiozza, Quandary Weatherspoon (8-seed)
Quandary Weatherspoon is the only Warrior I Googled after the parade. Neither 8-seed player suited up during Game 6 of the Finals. This was the biggest blowout of the tournament.
Final score: 11 to 0
Winner: Curry, Lee.
Round One, Quarterfinal: Game 2
Andrew Wiggins, Jordan Poole (2-seed) vs Kevon Looney, Nemanja Bjelica, Moses Moody (7-seed)
The Looney, Bjelica, Moody crew might have won if all three played at once, but that’s against the rules.
Wiggins and Poole literally ran circles around the plodding starting lineup of Looney and Bjelica. Looney, after securing a rebound, couldn’t clear the ball past the three point line without getting his pocket picked by Wiggins.
Wiggins and Poole jumped out to an early lead before Moody was subbed in for an always wheezing Kevon Looney (btw, did Looney just play the whole season for the first time ever? And did Looney’s per game average of wheezing while either pulling his own jersey or resting his hands on his knees drop from 15 wheeze breaks per game to 5!?! He’s gonna be even more of a beast next season!). The Bjelica/Moody pairing saw Moody playing strong D on Poole and kicking to Bjelica, who could rarely get his slow-motion “jump” shot off before Wiggins would block it, clear the ball, and flush a rim-rattling dunk.
Final score: 11 to 4 (two Bjelica slow-mo threes)
Winner: Wiggins, Poole.
Round One, Quarterfinal: Game 3
Klay Thompson, Otto Porter Jr. (3-seed) vs Gary Payton II, James Wiseman (6-seed)
Otto Porter Jr. and James Wiseman were the only Warriors humble enough (self-conscious enough?) to wear their own Jersey’s to the Championship Parade. While that wrinkle seems like it would bring some extra spunk to this game, the Wiseman vs Porter Jr. battle was hamstrung by Wiseman’s injury, which forced him to stand, largely immobile, in the middle of the paint. Even the long-limbed defensive brilliance of Gary Payton II couldn’t cover two players at once.
In the end, the most compelling aspect of this matchup proved to be the trash talk that emerged around whether “Jr” or “II” was superior when naming progeny. Score this game in favor of the Juniors.
Score: 11 to 3 (three GPII dunks)
Winner: Thompson, Porter Jr.
Round One, Quarterfinal: Game 4
Draymond Green, Juan Toscano Anderson (4-seed) vs Andre Iguodala, Jonathan Kuminga (5-seed)
The most enthralling matchup of the first round was the 4-5 matchup. With neither team capable of “playing offense,” this turned into a running lines drill. Teams took turns snarling, screening for the ball handler, and either: 1) slipping the screen to chase a dunk 2) popping and catching a pass for a 30% three point look 3) having a layup blocked from behind or 4) making a dunk.
The final play saw Andre Iguodala’s old man hands strip Green at the three point line and toss a lob to Jonathan “the most athletic person I’ve ever seen” Kuminga for the win. As Kuminga dunked, Iguodala could be heard telling Green: “I taught you everything you know, but I still ain’t teach you everything.”
Final score: 11 to 9 (Draymond was 0 for 3 on three point attempts)
Winner: Iguodala, Kuminga
Round 2, Semi-Finals: Game 1
Steph Curry, Damion Lee (1) vs. Andre Iguodala, Jonathan Kuminga (5)
With the higher seed getting the ball first, Curry immediately attempted to warp court geometry by hucking a deep three.
Iguodala had seen that movie before though, and he played Curry tight and contributed to a miss. Kuminga outrebounded Lee, whipped a pass to Iguodala on the perimeter and Iggy, eager to prove himself after a playoff run that had even the most ardent fans thinking it might be time to take on that assistant coaching position that awaits on the other side of retirement, hoisted a three.
He missed.
Despite Iguodala’s effort, he can’t keep up with Curry these days.
Kuminga put several helpings of YAMS on D-Lee’s plate, but 2 points are greater than 1 and the top seed rolled on.
Final score: 11 to 5 (Lee scored one of the 11!)
Winner: Curry, Lee
Round 2, Semi-Finals: Game 2
Andrew Wiggins, Jordan Poole (2) vs. Klay Thompson, Otto Porter Jr. (3)
Wiggins, riding the high of winning with ‘ship during the best stretch of play in his career, started with the rock and dribbled towards the paint. And in this format, that early mistake proved to be the dagger. Wiggins muscled and spun his way to a fade-away-j that careened off the back rim and into the eager hands of Klay Thompson.
Thompson wanted nothing more than to give Poole front row seats to a shooting clinic. From then on, it was a deluge of threes as Thompson and Porter took turns setting screens for one another and feasting on Jordan Poole.
Poole plays defense like he’s the only player hooping on ice. He was out there sliding past whoever had the rock while reaching for steals like he was trying to roll up a car window in the 80s. Luckily, Poole loves spending time in the gym, because he is gonna have to put some defensive work in if he thinks he is taking Klay’s job (Poole’s mustache is dope too).
Klay and Porter could be heard saying “Poole party” after each made shot.
Final score: 12 to 5 (Thompson – Porter were the only team to win with six threes)
Winner: Thompson, Porter Jr.
Round Three, The Final
Steph Curry, Damion Lee (1) vs Klay Thompson, Otto Porter Jr. (3)
Klay came out in his captain’s hat for this matchup and he was locked in from Curry’s check. He got in Steph’s face and forced Curry off the three point line.
Thompson corralled Curry into the waiting arms of Otto Porter Jr, who sagged off of Damion Lee like he was a pair of Sean Jean Jeans in the 90s. We’re talking “wait, am I seeing the bottom of his boxers?” sagging.
Approaching a congested lane, Steph dutifully kicked to Lee. Unfortunately, Damion Lee just doesn’t have that knock-down shooter instinct (despite a fine putting stroke demonstrated in pre-game handshakes with Steph).
Klay tipped the rebound to Porter Jr. on the arc who drilled a corner three, treating Curry to some of his own rebound-relocation vindaloo.
Porter, guarded by D-Lee, tapped into his childhood dream of running the point and looked like a mini Magic Johnson out there. Porter threw down an inside-out dribble to behind-the-back no-look pass; he laced a couple touch passes off of offensive boards; and he ultimately teed-up a game-winning assist for Thompson.
Turns out, Porter wore his jersey during the parade because he is self-conscious; he knows he is THAT DUDE.
Nobody has rocked their jersey in The Bay with such conviction since Jamarcus Russell went clubbing in Oakland in his own number two Raiders jersey.
Third Quarter
As I wilted under the dual oppressions of heat and multimedia bandwagon accusations, an oasis appeared on the desert of Market Street. It came in the form of a wheelie-popping renegade. A mini trailer on the back of the wheelie whip carried a basketball hoop. The rig swerved haltingly up Market as float buddies on foot rebounded shots and passed basketballs to fans on the sidewalk, behind the barriers, who shot at the hoop (the Pop-A-Wheelie?).
Soon, a vehicle passed with a sign on the back that said: “THANK YOU AUTHENTIC WARRIORS FANS.” The team thinks we are all “authentic” fans! But the fans themselves wage vitriolic authenticity disputes as the spin-wars rage on.
Two hours after the parade was scheduled to start and still no Warrior players had been seen at Powell Street Station. Impatience percolating in the heat, “Warrriorrrrs” chants morphed into “Let’s go Warriors” chants to better convey displeasure and a sense of irony.
Luckily, player buses soon arrived.
Gary Payton II is one of the most workmanlike Warriors on the court, so naturally he knows how to party hard. He also knows how to work a crowd.
GPII stood at the front of the double decker bus taunting folks like WWE alum The Rock. Shirtless, GPII beckoned with one hand for more “GP Two!” cries while he held the other hand to his ear as though he couldn’t hear us. Then, to the people illegally watching from the scaffolding they spider-crawled up, GPII mimed smoking a joint with them before clasping his hands over his heart like the Virgin Mary herself. The Warriors are a third quarter team.
Fourth Quarter
Also on GPII’s bus was James Wiseman. Injured all season, he seemed unsure what to do with a fame that must feel… bandwagon-y?
Wiseman stood inconspicuously near the middle of the bus wearing a black t-shirt under his own black Warriors jersey (the only person at the parade wearing a Wiseman jersey).
James Wiseman may help secure a future championship for the Warriors with his play, but for now, he is along for the ride.
The Warriors moved to Chase Center in San Francisco in 2019 and they didn’t make the playoffs until ‘21-‘22, when they won the championship. The San Francisco-based team rode the bandwagon of its own success, pulling players, legacy, and “culture” from Oakland.
In reality, everyone is on the bandwagon. It is a parade, after all. We are out here making noise and hoping that it echoes as sweetly as the swish of a Splash Brothers’ shot.
In the end, the Warriors got the W.
